


It’s Hard to Say It Cause I Hide Things So Good

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: fiftysomething [26]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Humor, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-20 01:45:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2410439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily had been trying for a week to get the words out of her mouth.  Actually, she’d been trying for fourteen years and a week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It’s Hard to Say It Cause I Hide Things So Good

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am using that damn episode again. At least it's kinda-sorta from a story line that I wrote in 2008 before they ever dreamed Demonology up. The title comes from the John Waite song _How Did I Get By Without You_ , which is Hotch and Emily’s wedding song.

“Hey there,”

Emily looked up from her book. “Hi.”

“I got your Post-It note,” Hotch held up the yellow piece of paper. “You and me, after nine; we’ll meet in the den. Just tell me one thing baby, am I overdressed?”

“Are the kids asleep?” Emily replied with a smirk.

“Lex, CeCe, and Dil are down. Bree is working on a homework assignment and Jack should be back from his date in about a half hour or so. You didn’t answer my question, Mrs. Hotchner.”

“Come and sit down, honey.”

Grinning, dimples poking into his cheeks, Hotch sat beside his wife on the couch. She put a bookmark in People Like Us and put it on the side table. Emily looked at him and it made her smile. Her face soon turned solemn.

“What's the matter?” Hotch asked. He knew that look. It was the ‘something’s wrong’ look. He didn’t like that look.

“This family is about to go through a lot of changes. We’re both going to be starting new jobs. Jack will start college and Bree high school. The twins are growing up so fast and we still have CeCe a few times a month. I thought things were supposed to slow down as we got older.”

“Tell me about it.” Hotch nodded. “Still, it’s an adventure.”

“Definitely.” Emily reached out for his hands. She smiled when Hotch laced his fingers through hers. “Did you ever think we’d be here, honey?”

“Married and deliriously happy? I wanted it, hoped and prayed, but I did worry. I don’t worry anymore, by the way. Do you?”

“Not often.”

“Why are you trembling, Em? Tell me what's wrong baby.”

“This is so hard for me.” Her voice caught in her throat and that surprised her. She was 53 years old; it couldn’t still affect her that way, could it? Emily let go of Hotch’s hands so she could wring hers.

“Do you remember what we did on our first wedding anniversary?” Hotch asked.

Emily shook her head.

“We both wrote down the ten worse things we’d ever done and let the other read them. Then we tore the paper to shreds, threw it all over the bed…”

“And made love on the confetti.” Emily managed a smile.

“You do remember.”

“I remember paper stuck to your butt.”

“Nothing is so bad that you can't share it with me. I'm your husband, Emily, and I will always love you. I will always support you.”

She sighed, trying to put on a smile but not quite making it. She knew she had to do this but nothing about it was going to be easy.

“In three months you're going to be confirmed as the next Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.” She said.

“They want me so bad, they’re willing to give me a five year term. Nancy and I actually talked about it yesterday. Did you know I get a team of federal attorneys to prepare me for this? The whole thing is a little ridiculous…I have nothing to hide.”

“Everyone has something to hide, Aaron.” Emily replied.

“Surely, but nothing that will keep me from being confirmed. I told you that I wasn’t going to do anything to bring harm or pain to you or the children. If there was something I needed to keep to myself I would have declined the offer to sit in front of the Senate and have them rip my life to shreds.”

“I know.” She stood and walked away from him. Emily had been trying for a week to get the words out of her mouth. Actually, she’d been trying for fourteen years and a week. Hotch knew everything, almost everything, and it only made them stronger. Wouldn’t this be the same? All the worse case scenarios had gone through her head and Emily couldn’t stop them. When Hotch came up behind her, she jumped.

“Calm down, baby.” He said quietly, brushing her hair aside to kiss the nape of her neck. “Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and just tell me. I'm here, I love you, and I'm listening.”

“I had an abortion.” The words came flying out of her mouth like poison. She wanted to reach for them, pull them back in, and push them down as far as they would go.

“In Italy?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Emily nodded.

“Matthew was by your side, wasn’t he?”

“He was there when no one else was.”

“I know what you went through there. I always suspected there was more but I wasn’t going to push you, Emily. Reliving it, and the circumstances behind it, cannot be easy.”

“It happened so long ago sometimes I can pretend it wasn’t even me. I just…I had this fear that you’d be sitting there oblivious and some Senator would blurt out ‘tell us about your wife’s abortion’. I couldn’t let that happen to you.”

“I would reply as calmly as I could that my wife’s personal business is just that. Roe v. Wade ensures that she has a legal right to make a very tough choice.”

“Hotch…” Emily pulled away again.

“It was a long time ago, Emily. You did what you had to do at the time; you were a teenage girl. What? Did you think I would hate you, be angry, or throw things?”

“I really have no idea. Oh my God…” She covered her mouth as the sob escaped. The tears came hot and fast, there was no point in trying to stop them. Hotch rushed to her and pulled her into his arms. She clung to him.

“Let it out, baby. Let go of it; it can't hurt you anymore. I’m holding on; I’ll never let go.”

“Mom, are you alright?”

Hotch turned and looked at their 13 year old daughter. There was no use in Emily trying to suck it up. The tears needed to come; the demons needed to be exorcised.

“Sweetie, she’s going to be alright. I promise.”

“Daddy…”

“Really, Bree, I promise. Please love, give us a few minutes.”

She didn’t want to leave; Hotch could see it on her face. She looked so damn much like her mother that he had her facial expressions down to a science. She was worried and Hotch didn’t know how to comfort her. After a few tense moments, Bree nodded and left the room.

“I'm sorry.” Emily whispered. Her face was still buried in his dress shirt.

“Shh,” He stroked her hair. “I'm sorry that you’ve kept that inside of you for so long. I'm sorry you couldn’t tell me then because I was so busy following all of those damn rules. I knew what you went through in Italy…I should've been there for you.”

“I couldn’t let anyone drop that on you. That’s how it goes with politics, you know that. A part of me wanted to take it to my grave but I couldn’t keep it anymore.”

“I love you so much.” Hotch took her face in his hands. “I love you for being strong and trusting in me.”

“I've always trusted you Hotch, even before I loved you.”

He walked with her over to the couch and they sat down. Emily tried to take a deep breath as she held his hand. Hotch enveloped her in his arms, kissing her forehead.

“I need a drink.” She said. “I need a cigarette and a stiff drink.”

“A glass of tea would probably be better and I have no comment on the tobacco. I’ll make you some tea after I hold onto you for a little longer. Bree is going to want to see you as well.”

“I hardly know what to say. I can't tell her…”

“You'll think of something baby. Do you want us to talk to her together?” Hotch asked.

“No, I probably need to do this on my own. Everything we've been through, together and apart, is to make the world better for our kids.”

“That’s right.”

Emily nodded, wiping her face. She kissed Hotch before standing up from the couch. Her hand was still firmly in his.

“I should probably do this now; she has school in the morning. Will you make me a cup of tea?”

“Yes.” Hotch nodded. “I love you, Emily Hotchner.”

“I love you too. I'm so proud of you; you’ve worked so hard for this.”

“We’ve worked hard for it. We’ve both come so far and I don’t think we could’ve done it without each other. I'm sure I couldn’t have.”

“Sweet talker.”

Hotch smiled. He kissed her hand and then pulled her gently into a kiss. He hated to let her go but knew she had to talk to Bree. Watching her walk out of the room, Hotch wondered what Emily would say. They never lied to their children…rule #11. The easy stories, like Hotch’s first marriage and the hard stories like George Foyet; the Hotchner children didn’t get tall tales.

Emily was strong, he knew she would get through it, but she would be battered. He needed to be her tower, her strength, until she was able to put this back in the box she’d kept it for so long. Hotch could do that. Emily had always done it for him; they did it for each other. It’s why they were happy. It’s why they would stay that way.

***

  



End file.
